When?
The feeling of loneliness has never left me, ever.
It feels so strange when you know you are secured with your heart about boys, being single, and young and free, but is still torn apart learning that your father couldn't see the success of his business, when you are forced to look for a better job just to fatten your wallet, and your face to be cursed with acne and couldn't find a better cure.
Only one question stabbed my brain and wouldn't let go.
"When?"
When will this season end?
Seasons, like natural climates happening on earth in a year, could also happen in people's lives afterall. Winter for loneliness, Spring for a moment of celebration, Summer for an adventurous feeling, and Fall for sruggle and of letting go.In this test of my life, I feel that I am in Fall going to Winter. It's sad to know that this season in my life has been going on for more than a year now. The biggest 'wait' me and my family has been going through is my father's success in his business. Next to it is my struggle of looking for a better job to help the household and save money for my future living. And my personal frustrations are my appearance and of being lonely.
I hate being called 'ugly'. I freak out when people call me that. That's why I make sure my hair is finely combed, my face colored with makeup, and my lips sealed with 3 layers of lipgloss. Call me vain, I don't care. This is perhaps the fruit of a broken heart. I had fallen in love many times but love won't ever come to me. Men failed to share their hearts to mine, and after that, I got so used to shedding tears, locking myself in my room, cutting my hair (and plan to color some threads of red), putting dark eyeliner on my lashes, and, almost cutting my wrist. Naah...not in that level of course.
I often think that I'm the ugliest person in our place, because no one really adored me sincerefully. I sometimes envy other people who have so much joy with the people they are with. But a few months after, I was able to overcome this feeling somehow, until these stupid acne came to my face. I was soOOoo angry at myself. I feel so ugly again.
I try to do things and think of something else just to forget my insecurity, by going out with friends and traveling. But every activity has a price--and I needed cash to spend happiness. I need to have money to get a ticket to a premier movie. I need money to eat out with my friends. I need money to swim to the beach. I need money to see Mayon Volcano. Everything has a price! And my salary isn't enough for me to save and spend a lot, because I also need to help at home and give some money to my jobless father. I feel so burdened that I tried to look for a better job that could sustain the needs and wants for my family. But until now this 'wait' is still on-going.
I need not tell every bitterness of my heart, everyone has their own thoughts in mind. But the bottomline is, people have problems, and as long as they're alive, there will always have problems. But the choice is always ours, whether good or bad. We make our lives, we form our history. That's because God gave us gifts, and one of them is the gift of'choice'.
I am not a perfect person (no one is), and I have my bad moments too. It's just that patience had never blessed me, that's because I never really received it by heart. Never at all.
As the Bible says, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:9), never give up...they say.
I wish I can follow it, with all sincere patience. Everything is a matter of patience...and faith.
But during the wait, the question still remains in my heart.
"When?"
It feels so strange when you know you are secured with your heart about boys, being single, and young and free, but is still torn apart learning that your father couldn't see the success of his business, when you are forced to look for a better job just to fatten your wallet, and your face to be cursed with acne and couldn't find a better cure.
Only one question stabbed my brain and wouldn't let go.
"When?"
When will this season end?
Seasons, like natural climates happening on earth in a year, could also happen in people's lives afterall. Winter for loneliness, Spring for a moment of celebration, Summer for an adventurous feeling, and Fall for sruggle and of letting go.In this test of my life, I feel that I am in Fall going to Winter. It's sad to know that this season in my life has been going on for more than a year now. The biggest 'wait' me and my family has been going through is my father's success in his business. Next to it is my struggle of looking for a better job to help the household and save money for my future living. And my personal frustrations are my appearance and of being lonely.
I hate being called 'ugly'. I freak out when people call me that. That's why I make sure my hair is finely combed, my face colored with makeup, and my lips sealed with 3 layers of lipgloss. Call me vain, I don't care. This is perhaps the fruit of a broken heart. I had fallen in love many times but love won't ever come to me. Men failed to share their hearts to mine, and after that, I got so used to shedding tears, locking myself in my room, cutting my hair (and plan to color some threads of red), putting dark eyeliner on my lashes, and, almost cutting my wrist. Naah...not in that level of course.
I often think that I'm the ugliest person in our place, because no one really adored me sincerefully. I sometimes envy other people who have so much joy with the people they are with. But a few months after, I was able to overcome this feeling somehow, until these stupid acne came to my face. I was soOOoo angry at myself. I feel so ugly again.
I try to do things and think of something else just to forget my insecurity, by going out with friends and traveling. But every activity has a price--and I needed cash to spend happiness. I need to have money to get a ticket to a premier movie. I need money to eat out with my friends. I need money to swim to the beach. I need money to see Mayon Volcano. Everything has a price! And my salary isn't enough for me to save and spend a lot, because I also need to help at home and give some money to my jobless father. I feel so burdened that I tried to look for a better job that could sustain the needs and wants for my family. But until now this 'wait' is still on-going.
I need not tell every bitterness of my heart, everyone has their own thoughts in mind. But the bottomline is, people have problems, and as long as they're alive, there will always have problems. But the choice is always ours, whether good or bad. We make our lives, we form our history. That's because God gave us gifts, and one of them is the gift of'choice'.
I am not a perfect person (no one is), and I have my bad moments too. It's just that patience had never blessed me, that's because I never really received it by heart. Never at all.
As the Bible says, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:9), never give up...they say.
I wish I can follow it, with all sincere patience. Everything is a matter of patience...and faith.
But during the wait, the question still remains in my heart.
"When?"
hi jenny!! yes, that's life... I can also recognize myself.. break-ups, cutting my hair and dark eye-liner hehehe
ReplyDeleteanyway, I'd love to read more from you! glad you have a blog! ingat!
Hi, Stella! Thanks for dropping by at my new blog. ^^ All what's written here is public, but not everything I have in mind is said here. I pick writings that would give interest to people and would make them relate. :-)
ReplyDeleteYou are one of those I have been thinking of while writing this up. :-) People have bad days sometimes, and we all have to shed this all out.