I need grace

It has been more than a month that I haven't updated my blog and I missed writing. Usually I pick up my favorite grade school pad and pre-write my entry there but this time, let me make this raw: no major edits, no grade school pads to write the outlines. This is me, typing the words in my mind, directly to my blog.

I'm not okay.

Need I add a sad face? Hyeah...

:-(

I mean, seriously. Yeah, I know, things are 'perfect' with my life nowadays; I have a good job, a good workplace, a stable salary and a peaceful family. As good as it sounds, we always forget that life is a stage, and the dark things are left at the backstage.

Yes, we all have our backstage.

That is me, sitting pretty at the office; that is me with my friends laughing at the gimmick place, and this is me at home--desperate, empty and frustrated. Despite my contentment on the outside world, inside me is screaming for a peace of mind. I have little time for rest since I come home very late, I fail to eat dinner at most evenings because my travel time going home is 2 hours from Makati, and I miss 'myself'.

I want to draw..I miss drawing. But my weekends are not enough to satisfy my artistic hunger for this passion.

And then there are my back pains and cramps for sitting in the bus for too long during my travel time, and sometimes I stand up and lift my tiny feet, trying to reach the bar on the ceiling of the bus to keep myself from bumping to and fro when the vehicle is too crowded.

And then there's the weather. A minute ago the sun was up, dehydrating every person underneath it, then a little later you'd see the clouds shrouding the light as the rain sarcastically spits into the busy streets, forming a humid steam that makes people's pretty business wardrobes turn into discomfort.

And as the evening comes, I have to deal with some students who fail to pay me on time and some, even questioning my rates that I have to review every single peso in a day's online class.

Now here comes a friend who gets offended after my apology for not being able to make it on her birthday due to my pre-scheduled activities, and says I didn't need to explain and she doesn't care anymore if I come or not.

Need I say more? Yes. I have a technical project that is due on the 3rd week of June; a poster that would be manually colored through Photoshop using a Wacom Intuos 3, a device which I have never even used in my life!! And I am forcing myself to take it home during the weekends...but now the weekend is here...I CAN'T DO IT!!!!! WHHHYYYYYYY!???

I wanna scream. I just..wanna scream. I want to cry, but I don't understand why I have to. I SHOULD BE HAPPY, SHOULDN'T I!??

I should be positive because I have learned enough with my past experiences. But this is me, still hurt, still troubled and anxious. I am depending on my own strength, and I'm pushing myself too much. I'm being legalistic.

God--if you were me, what will you do? How will you apologize to the people you fail? How will you respond to deadlines? What will you do when you can't eat? What will you do when you unconsciously offended people? What will you do when you're sick and tired? Will you make time to scream and cry, just the way I am doing now?

I am scared; that's the truth. I am scared to fail. But it seems that the next stage I am going through will be failure indeed. And I'm scared to face it. Please give me grace. I can't do these alone. I know the storm has poured down on me several months ago, and the sun has shown. But then life doesn't end here, and another storm is coming.

I don't know what to do.

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