The song that saved me tonight

Two straight weeks--I failed in my tests.

I was tested with my patience between gossips, people, situations.
I got heartbroken from a man who couldn't love me back.
Tested with my modesty for trying to like someone else.
Then I gave up everything...because of deep desperation.
I thought I was wise..and tough. But everything became a wound.

I was called "dominant"; and though it was true enough; it became a scar that never heals.

I hate myself. I never find myself beautiful, loved, wanted, adored...
I am a waste. A rag doll. A pain. 
I never thought anyone would love me romantically. And I am right. I never had sincere relationships. I was never loved. They all thought of me as a material for sex. An accessory, a toy--that whenever they feel I'm obsolete, they would throw away. Just like that.

I never find myself precious. Nor human.

This heart of mine beats only for biological living; not for spiritual life.

These are all what I thought of me tonight.

I am not perfect; but I guess this is the beauty of man; being imperfect--because only one will make man whole: it's Jesus.

I am worn out tonight; I cannot trust anyone, nor myself.
Thanks to the internet, I Googled a song that would make me believe He loves me.

And the answer was the cross.
Jesus died for my sins, my insecurity, my sorrows. Jesus loved me before I became whole in this world. 

I know tomorrow will be another test in my life. 
I will forget what I have written here.
I will doubt and sin again.

I will think that I am ugly again.

But one thing's for sure: Jesus will never change the way He thinks of me. 
I am still a princess in His eyes. A maiden with a beautiful voice, a woman with a sweet, innocent heart. And though people think I am strong; I am really weak..but gentle inside. And Jesus knows that.

So tonight; I just want to think of Jesus..and our cross.

r