Colossians 3: The chapter that saved my last day

In 2001, I met my nightmare in school where I took a course I was forced to love: Physical Therapy. It was a time I demanded myself to study subjects that brought the inferno in my life: Algebra, Trigonometry, Calculus and Chemistry. For an artist who deserved anything that would relate to drawing, colors, and painting; this selfish idea from my father never really convinced me. And not just that; my first University environment in Dasmariñas ran like hell. It was a different culture for me--people talked in provincial languages, students had different tastes in food, company and beliefs, and most of them didn't like me and made fun of me (and my American English speaking habit). Being a city girl who had never shared a life in the rural, I felt mocked and alone. It was a comfortless, traumatic experience.

2004 was even more painful. On the 21st of December, my mother breathed her last from cervical cancer. She had a heart attack at exactly 3 o' clock in the afternoon; the time I was spending it at the mall with my high school best friends to help me forget my grief. My father called me on the phone, and in utmost horror I felt like my heart stopped for seconds, and my ears became numb from the noise of people talking around. With no embarrassment I screamed out loud, mourning, weeping--and fell on my knees. Everyone in the photo booth looked at me, shocked and wondering, as my friends carried my arms and helped me get up.

2007--until today. 

Being single, growing up, and growing old--love and romance had become a persistent struggle. Men came and go; hence, abandonment became my signature experience. I was never loved for who I am; I was pursued for a sweet but short moment, and dragged and thrown like a rug for the longest, most bitter endings. Every time a man came to my life, I thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world. But when I later learned about their true intentions--most of them, I had to leave. 

Just this year I liked a guy who was my friend of several years, but later came to a sour ending where we even had to give up our friendship and compromise from our professional environment because of gossips. And worse, I lingered in a playground of dreams where I thought he, too, felt the same way. I was foolish to think of that--because reality talks--he never liked me at all. Never.

God never really wanted me to be with him (no matter how much alibis I had to utter), so  with a weeping heart, I gave him up.

Another impromptu day came and I met another man who also thumped my heart like never before. He was just the person that I thought I wanted to be with for the rest of my life--tall, smart, gentle, humble, patient, wise, mature--and astoundingly handsome.  He was pure of his Asian race (I will not mention what race because it will be too obvious for some of my readers here). It was the first time I considered such a man because honestly, for some limitations and practical reasons, his ethnicity didn't pass my standards. But because his character and traits were so convincing, I suddenly changed my mind.

He had become my inspiration for days, not until the day I mingled with one of his best friends.

I never thought Vy (not his real name) would be both vanity and humor for a definition, but I can confidently say he's such an awesome man. We were never that close, until that night when our friends parted ways, we were in his SUV and he was about to drop me somewhere in Makati for my way home. 

Out of complete randomness, I opened up with him about this man--his best friend, whom I guess he never imagined I would fall for in a brief time. I told the shortcut of my story, and my smile reached my ears while describing all the feelings I had for this guy. Vy only smiled, but when I asked if this man was ever considering someone else, he paused a bit and said, "Yes, he is considering someone else. [Someone of his kind.]"

I laughed and said, "Aaaw.." like a child who swiftly lost her candy. But truth be told--upon hearing that, my world really became darker than the night. I stared at the windshield  viewing some Christmas lights that glittered with the decorative palm trees on the sidewalk, but my mind became empty and numb in minutes. My mouth, partly open.

"...I have to give him up," I quickly replied with a smile and gave a fake chuckle. 

"You're giving up right away?" he asked. "Well, they're not yet together," he continued, with a tone that tried to offer me hope.

"Well, whatever the case--I'm [just] a girl.."

"Oh..yeah.." he concluded.

There was that rule. I am just a girl. A woman. And he is the man.

*  *  *

I thought it was nothing and that I could forget him easily because I know--this man and I are just starting to be friends. But I was totally wrong. I opened the door of my room, slowly walked in, fell on my knees and cried in bitter sorrow. Tears dropped like drizzle on the floor and I sniffed and wept like someone died. I chatted via Facebook with two of my female best friends, and though they tried to lift me up, my sadness pulled me down, deaf and emotionally disabled. Like the darkest of my yesterdays, this heavy feeling haunted me again. And it left me broken.

"Tell Him how you exactly feel," Olen replied.'

"He's so mean

I don't love Him tonight

I hate Him!!!!!"

The bitter words came out of from my torn heart. I felt like Ariel the little mermaid, and God was King Triton, Ariel's father.

And this carried on.

"Im a hypocrite full of words and no action

I am only full of [talk] but no [action]

I am not a good Christian

I am not worthy

That's why He is doing this to me

I am ugly..unloved and not valuable

I am not worthy to be loved

I'm old, immature and hopeless

Nobody wants a woman like me"

That evening was only filled with hopeless thoughts and hurting memories. I cried not just because I don't have hope for this man; I cried because I knew nobody can love me--and thought God never wanted me to love, nor be loved. I am growing old, and as each year passes by, I am left alone with no man to love me back.

*  *  *

December 31, 2012.                    

Today is the last day of the year. And as one of our pastors said in our church, "to start the new year right, make sure you end the last day right." His quote sounded so good that I stood up in confidence and told myself, "I'm gonna make my last day  of 2012 right." But ironically, my today didn't start with a happy feeling.

I thought of what happened last night, and as I did, I tried to comfort myself and checked if anyone replied to my Facebook status. Fortunately, someone cared and gave me a chapter from the Bible: Colossians 3.

I trusted God that through this chapter He will give me the hope that I naturally needed, and with this, he didn't fail:

Colossians 3 (Contemporary English Version)

"3 You have been raised to life with Christ. Now set your heart on what is in heaven, where Christ rules at God’s right side.^[a] 2 Think about what is up there, not about what is here on earth." 

God reminded me that only through Him can we set ourselves out from this world where it only contains bitterness and sorrow. To focus on thoughts that give hope, not on material things.

^"3 You died, which means that your life is hidden with Christ, who sits beside God. ⁴ Christ gives meaning to your^[b] life, and when he appears, you will also appear with him in glory."

That's right--Christ gave meaning to my life. Through reading the Bible and making fellowships with godly people, these helped me realize how to value simple blessings of life, how to appreciate being alive, being healthy, and being blessed that everyday no matter how small my salary is, I still get to feed my mouth to survive for the coming day. I was given friends--faithful and helping friends. Friends who may leave my side but is watching over me as much as they can--friends I can truly say, friends.

And through Christ I was able to discipline some of my habits, learning to do what is right, to be generous and to fight for humility and patience (if not everyday)...to keep my faith aiming high. 

^"8 You must quit being angry, hateful, and evil.." 

For the longest time I had been like, the most bitter woman in our home. I was harsh to myself and...I could hardly forgive myself, because I often reflected my entity through my painful experiences. I guess just for the sake of making this last day right, I should stop bleeding my own heart. And my faithful friends deserve respect.

¹² God loves you and has chosen you as his own special people. So be gentle, kind, humble, meek, and patient. 

¹⁴ Love is more important than anything else. It is what ties everything completely together.

Through reading these verses, it reminded me about the basic definition of love. Love is patient and kind, it doesn't make a record of wrongs. It is always cheerful and hopeful for the future. Love is never blind. It completes people.

¹⁵ Each one of you is part of the body of Christ, and you were chosen to live together in peace. So let the peace that comes from Christ control your thoughts. And be grateful.

If we fully and honestly live in a life with God, we are expected to have peace. So obviously, I am not completely surrendering everything to Him. As long as I don't have inner peace, I don't have God in my life.

I don't want to state each and every detail of the verses in Colossians 3, but the bottom line of that message was, to be happy and at peace, we need God. He is the only source of priceless happiness and contentment. He is the temple to a sound body, a peaceful mind. The way to have a heart that can learn to love that cannot be compared with how the world portrays it.

And to end this blog, I should say, Colossians 3 was the chapter that saved my last day of 2012. 

I have a strong feeling that God is just testing me as of the moment. I have repented earlier this morning, telling Him how foolish I was for being mad at Him; but that's how children are--they blame their parents for 'mistreating' or disciplining them; but in reality, they just want the best for us.

I still like that man; but for now--God is my priority. Only He can satisfy my soul and love me more than anything in this world. And who knows? 2013 is about to come, and I strongly discern that God has just so many surprises waiting to come.

So many...surprises. :)

Thank you, God. Now I can end my last day right.