July's end

It's the last day of July--and the year carries on to its second half. Looking back, I witnessed a flush of changes that took place--changes that twisted the order of my plans; changes that shaped me, in ways both good and bad. People have come and gone, and there were those who stayed in my life. Plenty new faces yet joined and celebrated my present journey, and the rest are expected in the future.

The first half of the year was indeed, a bittersweet experience.

I remember how I carefully planned my January, excitedly opening my yellow green Starbucks planner which I got after completing two dozen stickers and peppermint frappes on Christmas time, as I wrote down my faith goals to accomplish for the whole year.   
Lo and behold, the only successful ones were just about one or two.

The month of February came, and a thousand lovers loitered the city to celebrate Valentine's day. I was boastful enough for the thought of having a strong and 'insensitive' heart, not entertaining that four-letter-word to get in my way. But along came a playful soul, and I became its victim. I, too, later joined the parade of the hopelessly romantic. 

Summer followed, and my friends and I traveled a portion of Luzon for a swim at the beach, some mountain-hiking and a vacation at an adventurous river. We all turned our tan skin into a much tanner skin. And not only that of course; our bonding as a team became stronger, and more friends were added to my life.

But just as the sunshine brought friendship into a more durable bond, the season of rain morphed those precious memories into pain and sorrow. I was left heartbroken, and in a way, was separated from a number of friends. June was one of my darkest months--it was as if my soul was torn into pieces. I quarreled with some fellows, had a misunderstanding with a new buddy, and worse, that four-letter-word quickly turned into dust. And since it was rainy, the dust fell into the ground and became dirty mud. Just like that.

And although the pain entangled itself to my feet like a ball and chain, the month of July became my forming rainbow. It wasn't just my birthday, it was my "rebirth" day. My blooming month. This was the month my eyes opened for the nth time after being stubborn for the nth time, but at this moment it was deeper. More meaningful. Slowly, but carefully.



I am not ashamed of my wrongs.

I am not cursing the past.

The injury that molded from my innocence became the fruit of what I am today.

True--there's a part of me that wants to steal Adam Sandler's magic remote control and push the pause button and make a detour. Half of me craves to grasp that dagger and throw the sands of time in the air to erase and rewind what was lost or taken from me. But I will never grow up without those bloody mistakes. There will be people who must go...and a few who are welcome to stay. 


And then there's August. A time to replenish the scattered pieces of hope that was once glued in my memory. I was like a child who was beaten up just because of seeing a bigger candy. But the candy is gone now. And it's time to wake up with a fresher day, a new mindset--a humble, but wiser mindset.

Every year is a learning opportunity. And in just a portion of this year, I picked up a bucket of lessons. I realized that being tough doesn't have to show off; it must come from the inside. It must be firm and disciplined.

I might be rebellious and naive yesterday, but beginning today, I choose to live with my brain and start anew. But don't you worry--I spared a forgiving heart. 

Hello, August. :-)