Abandonment

“Abandonment doesn't have the sharp but dissipating sting of a slap. It's like a punch to the gut, bruising your skin and driving the precious air from your body.”― Tayari Jones, Silver Sparrow 

 Photo by Sarah Parish

We all mess up, not only because of our wrong decisions, but because we know something inside us is pulling us from our highest point of life. Among the greatest enemies one can ever have, fear is the most compelling. It is deceptive and controlling. It destroys our dreams and steals our happiness. But most of all, it weakens our purpose.

I've known several fears that enveloped my experiences as a growing woman--the fear of dolls, fear of clowns, fear of heights, fear of dark places, and the list goes on. But one phobia that intermittently keeps my soul crippled is this feeling of abandonment. 

I never liked being alone. For me, loneliness is a form of emotional defeat one could ever suffer in a day, or perhaps a lifetime. I've known abandonment for the longest time, and it started off when I was a young, little girl. Those days, my mother often compared me with my elder sister. Having the lighter complexion, pink cheeks, and Chinese-looking face, my sister was often the crowd's favorite. I was usually the "second-rate" because of my dark skin, slim arms and legs, and exotic-looking face. I was never the popular one--and this did not just happen during my childhood. It went on for years until I grew up as a young lady.

Assuming that beauty comes first with physical appearance, I often applied makeup on my face, to hide my blemishes and other forms of "imperfection". I tried to look attractive by wearing trendy outfits and bulky jewelry. Although this has changed me from plain to "alluring", the satisfaction never came. I continued to measure my gains against my sister, but it seemed she even exceeded more admirers than I did. And ironically, she never made any efforts at all. She lived on as plain as possible, yet her simplicity has drawn several men from our neighborhood. She was still the shining star.

Yes, jealousy had resided my heart toward her. There were times I hated her for being the "better" one; yet I couldn't understand why she loves me, anyway. She witnessed how I cried when our mother breathed her last, from my best friends who came and left, and the men who had once tamed my heart, only to find themselves in the arms of another woman.  Life had been cruel to me, this, because of the growing pain that never left my soul--the pain of having abandonment as my companion.

But after all the ups and downs and countless struggles that I went through; I finally realized that the key to lose the sight of abandonment is to learn the greatest virtue of all--which is love. First, to forgive myself and accept the wrongs I have done; second, to learn the importance of family and belongingness despite the insecurity; third, to be thankful about the traumatic memories about romantic relationships (and be a better woman next time);  and last, to implement my love towards others. 

Not long after, my emotions turned from bitter to contentment, and from tears to laughing. Somehow, I have finally overcome the fear of abandonment. It was not an easy journey, but thanks to my loyal friends and family, this has been a dramatic success. There may still be times that insecurity crawls back, but I am able to get up sooner and live my life to the fullest. Indeed, life has its own unique beauty--all we have to do is learn its secrets. 

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